“Fuck Jesus!” I said that often within the past 10 months. There is this theory that He creates a plan for our lives. Although a great theory when things go wonderfully, I completely disagree. Because really, who wants to die?
Break ups are never easy. Frankly, “if it was, everyone would do it.” Although… America’s divorce rate is nearing 52%, lawyers advertise such things as a “quick/fast divorce,” and I came from a broken family, numerous actually, if you take into consideration my dad. Sooo, my argument seemingly just collapsed on itself. It is easy. Let me try again…
I have this old soul dream that… I’d be married for 50+ years, growing old, living in a home built by my partner and I, in a town that we both love, with our little tiny baby family, kids and all, sharing life’s moments and struggles. I want my partner to be my best friend. I don’t want to turn out like my parents. And I thought I found that. Those conversations were had, expectations and anticipation was building, and my frugal college budget bought a meaningful ring. He was my husband. And then it was over…
It wasn’t just a heartbreak. It was a heart blindsided and shattered, stomped and blended, with very little remorse, as an audience watched it happen with little movement. It was a life altered, shattered and devastated, scarred and irreparable. It was the loss of a dream, and I seemingly had no control. I screamed for help. Once again, the list of people that I have loved, then given up on me, had grown. I needed him, and them. He thought differently, and so did they. “There’s a thing about pain – it demands to be felt.”
I must admit that I was far from perfect in my relationship, and apologies (plural) from me are much warranted. But that is what the best relationships are: two imperfect people coming together to attempt to make a more perfect union. Losing my relationship amplified my already existing trust and abandonment issues. (The two most important people in my life have abandoned me.) I am cradled by walls so thick, yet so vulnerable, that it only seems normal to not allow myself to make new friends or have new relationships. It is not ok. It is just what I know.
And now, I’m dying. But…aren’t we all?
I am sad and very scared. It will not happen immediately. It is going to be an elongated deterioration, not knowing when it will happen, or how, but I know from what. It is sad to be so fearful of something smaller than the tip of a ballpoint pen. It is depressing to live in a paranoid world, scared of your own blood, a cold or the flu, fearful of shortness of breath, a collapsed lung, or even pneumonia. It is unfortunate to think that the possibility of dating has dramatically decreased, and that dream may never happen.
It is disgusting to know that my death is on the hands of the one who said we were best friends and soul mates, whose life I saved. My “husband.” And sadly, I will probably never get a sincere apology, even after forgiving more than I should have. I have been left to die in exchange for popularity – I am now “a failed existence in mutation.” I carry the burden and weight of a disgusting stigma that I must fearfully debunk. A lie, either intentional or by omission, can completely ruin another person’s life. He stole my life, and killed me in the process. You cannot play with, and fuck up, someone’s life!
It was not just a break up…I cannot just let it go…
How do you tell your family that you are sick, and the person that they invited into their home, to family gatherings, in family portraits, who was called “mijo,” and whose life I saved, was the one responsible? Where is my mom to hold me? Or my dad to defend me? I haven’t even earned my Masters degree! I haven’t traveled the world! I haven’t bought a house or gone on a cruise or gone on a train ride. I haven’t seen David Letterman or Ellen DeGeneres. I haven’t gone on a train ride, or to Las Vegas, or Hawaii, or Australia, or California, or Disney World!
I haven’t gotten married or had kids. Now, I question – will I be able to? Was this apart of His plan?! I did not want this! Who wants this?!
I believe it is essential that, as superior intellectual species, we must ask ourselves why we do the things we do rather than just observing the what. When we answer that question, we are able to display a good sense of humanity with some empathy. Seems that we are a generation that has failed to do this, to simply give a shit.
My silent struggle of the past 10 months would drive anyone to a gun, irrationality, therapy, alcohol, or partake in activities that are horribly unhealthy. (Four out of five ain’t bad… It’s passing!) You really have no idea what some people are struggling with. I hide it well with humor and a smile. People’s optimistic words seemed very unrealistic and not practical. Bad days seemed normal, accompanied with an unnecessary volume of tears.
You do not support the rapist. You do not support the domestic abuser. But they supported the criminal, reversed their word, and selfishly and mischievously placed him on an undeserving pedestal. He was glorified! It was a permanent pain. There is nothing worse than kicking someone when they are down. You do not just give up on people during their struggle. If one is to rely on another, require of another, lean on another, then that person should, without being asked, return the favor. We get so consumed with our own lives that we forget about someone who may need us.
Yet, I am naturally a realist, knowing that time was the only thing that could help. Then someone, through her persuading kindness and never ending resilience, invited me to an emotional day at church…
We cannot ignore the negative events of our life, or pretend they never happened. We do not plan on cancer, or our child’s death, or Mother Nature’s wrath, or a life threatening disease. We will constantly go through things that will drastically challenge our way of life, possibly changing your way of thinking. It will never be easy. But giving up on the challenge, or frankly, the person, is not what I believe He intended. On that emotional day, my life motto was solidified – once you meet great people, you have to keep them close. You may be giving up on something great.
He gave up on me, and so did they. And I needed them all…very badly. There has not been a day since that I do not think about what and who I have lost, and what could have been. Yet, I have a job in which I change lives and mold minds. I have been blessed with two amazing friends that have held my head when I have hurt and cried…literally. I have air to breath, food to eat, and a bed to sleep in. And a dog that runs my household…that bitch! Lastly, I am a great guy – some would say a catch, and I have been blessed with a massive heart that I unfortunately wear bruised on my sleeve. I might as well enjoy life while I still have it, trying my best to make a positive impact in the lives of others, and my own. So, I am doing good in this life. We are all given the gift, and choice, to live a positive life.
And at one point, I thought I was deep in love. Like, hold a boom box outside their window, get a ring, put their life in front of my own, love. I thought I finally knew that feeling…
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I guess it is apart of the plan.