Seems like it’s that time of year again…PeeJay’s Words of Wisdom 😀 As one to not avoid the elephant, and a life lesson, let’s address it. What I thought of as normal turned out not to be, with my dreams surprisingly obliterated, success clouded, and life seemingly changing course in less than a month. One needs to understand past experiences to understand why a break up, seemingly common, was absolutely devastating.
Although I have mentioned this before, when I was a child, my mother had this abusive boyfriend. And I would be that child to stand before him to protect my mother, taking the blows to my face, rather than to hers. But after years of growing tension, and belittling arguments, I was eventually told by her that I was not good enough, and was left to survive in society alone. In a nutshell, the person who was supposed to give me that unconditional love, and the person I protected, simply gave up on me for reasons I still don’t know. Scarred for life.
Four years later, the unexpected break up was a repeat of that. I was given up on by someone who was offered that unconditional love, seemingly because of one belittling argument. We seemed more than just a superficial relationship though: I thought we were perfect in a beautifully imperfect way, that hold-a-boombox-outside-your-window love, big plans were being made, and…a ring was on its way. You know when you know, right? All now gone, and I desperately fought, doing everything I could do to save it. But it was another harsh reminder of not being good enough. With not understanding why, (and still not really understanding why), I was alone again, mourning a death, utterly devastated, and just ready to give up. It has to be me!
Am I that bad that my mother, and the person I wanted to marry, saw me as expendable…Who hurts this bad?!
Many people would run into the arms of their mother, but that has never been an option. Friends seemingly showed up for a day, but eventually forgot. People gave counseling words, but most didn’t do anything. So once again, I ran into the arms of my own, in an empty apartment, reflecting on the past two months, and questioning the past year that was…Was it true? I wrote, I cried…A LOT, wrote some more, read, didn’t eat, drank unhealthily, threw and broke things, molded a couch cushion, isolated myself, hated the world, and hoped I somehow didn’t wake up for the same cycle the next day. Insanity. I broke…Pity party for one?
But I asked questions, contemplating if the way I was thinking was right and rational or wrong and irrational. And throughout this process of self-repair, for just a little while, I was reminded of my worth: Selfless. Scorpio. Complex. Flawed. Extrovert. Genuine. Trustworthy. Honest. Traditional. Loving. Sensitive. Hopeless; Romantic. Chivalric. Giving. Committed. Respectful. Monogamist. Educated. Writer. Graduate. Ambitious. Driven. Dreamer. Conversationalist. Opinionated. Teacher. Leader. Brother. Best Friend. Supportive. Loyal. Fun. Dancer. Active. Realist. Perfectionist. Accountable. Analytical. Do-er. Considerate. Appreciative. Understanding. Compassionate. Empathetic. Passionate. Emotional. Forgiving. Fragile. Scared. Damaged. Strong. Independent. Proud. Sincere. Huge Heart. Humane. Raw. Deserving. Worthy. Write yours down…
Maybe it was not meant for right now. Nevertheless, constant anger has changed to constant sadness – he is still beautiful to me. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss the love and laughs, touches and kisses. It hurts severely…every day, but I know I have to impatiently let it take its course. If for only ten months, I was finally happy, felt special and protected, dangerously in love, told I was someone’s best friend, someone’s “soul mate,” someone’s everything, someone’s future, and told I was [finally] good enough. I felt whole…And I loved hard, every minute of every day! But no one gets to a place like this by themselves, and I thought I would never feel this again. I rarely break…I always know what to do and say, always the strong one. But I lost half of myself…I devastatingly broke. I don’t know what is going to happen next – a bitter, cynical seed has been planted with an ache the size of Texas.
I do this three times a year, and have done it for five years now, writing from my experiences, sending words of wisdom to everyone I know, hoping that I can inspire people to be better. But how am I supposed to inspire you when I am pretty much unable to functionally inspire myself? Here I am: Know your worth, set your standards high because no one likes mediocre, dumb has never been sexy, actions speak louder than words and ALWAYS will, communication reduces doubt…your word is your bond, love hard and never give up on it, forgive quickly, and believe and have passion for something bigger than yourself in this luxurious life that is never guaranteed tomorrow. But most of all, do not just like someone as a person, but value and appreciate them, and what they bring to your life. Cherish your human connections, because good ones are rare!
I know I’m not the easiest person to love, or even like, but I imperfectly give my all to everyone I know! Nevertheless, it may be time for me to be unknowingly selfish…
So where is the “wisdom” or lesson learned in this pity party? We are told that life always has a happy ending. But no one ever talks about, or teaches us how to deal with, the bad stuff. No matter what life decides to test you with, however strong or weak you may be, when you get to a place like this, when you forget your worth, you may need to take some time for yourself, get away from who and what you know, to find it and remember again. So we will speak when we do, because the best thing about unanswered questions is the journey to try to find the answers. Unfortunately, “it’s life.”
Have A Great Fall Semester!
Always remember to be the change you wish to see in the world…